Thursday, May 29, 2008

Transparency

No, I'm not talking about the shade of my skin. (Although that would be a pretty accurate description.) I'm talking about a glimpse into my heart. A "Keeping it real" moment. Sharing my deepest thoughts with the world. It makes me feel vulnerable and I often try to avoid that. I don't know why I feel the need to share this really, but I do.

I am so glad this baby isn't a girl.

There. I said it. It does not paint a pretty picture of me, I know.

I'm honestly not sure that I even fully understand why I feel this way. I think I have a pretty good grasp on it, but I have a hard time expressing it. Until now, my husband was the only person who I have ever shared this with. I'm afraid it will make me seem like a monster, even though if you could truly see my heart you would know that isn't the case.

I truly believe that God has called women to be wives and mothers, before anything else. I love being a wife and mother. It has brought me more joy and fulfillment than any position, salary, or prestige the world could offer me. But still, my attitudes and my actions often say something else. Would my daughter see that? Would she see how rewarding this life can be? Or would see the frown on my face and hear the sharpness of my tongue and be fooled into believing the empty promises of happiness in the world? It's a battle I'm not willing to lose, yet I don't feel prepared to fight.

I am not wonderwoman and I am not super mom. I cannot have the cleanest house, the healthiest meals, the most friends, or be involved in the most activities. I cannot teach her to sew anything other than a straight line, or to do her hair. I can't teach her about beauty, and grace, and femininity, and modesty, and chasteness, and purity when I have so much to learn myself.

Let me end by saying this. I know that this "boy" could very well come out a beautiful baby girl. And I know that God's grace is sufficient. I will love her, she will bring me joy that I didn't know was possible, and I will immediately come home and delete this post. :)

There you have it. My heart, exposed.

7 Thoughts from friends:

Pam--in Jerusalem said...

Oh, Liz! Don't feel alone in those feelings. When I was expecting my first, I felt the exact same way. But, once I had my daughter, God in his wisdom, led me to people that could help ME to grow in the areas that I needed, so that I could be a better example to my daughter. (Not that I'm there yet... there's always room for growth!)
You know what?..... When I was pregnant the second time, I thought, "Oh, please don't let it be a boy... I wouldn't be able to raise a boy well." Well, you know how that turned out ;) I think we're always insecure about the 'unknown'. But the good thing is that God is always there, ready to show us the way!
{{HUGS}}

Sgt and Mrs Hub said...

I felt the same way when I was pregnant with my second - except I was hoping I wasn't having a boy. I felt like I could never be the mother a son would need me to be. And I still am not - but I'm working on it. God gave me what I needed, and I needed a son.

You are the best mother for this child - God has had it planned since the beginning of time!

From one imperfect mother to another...

-Andrea

Heather said...

((((((LIZ)))))) Oh, my sweet friend, if your daughter (that you will eventually have, I'm convinvced) is even half the sweet lady you are...she will be such a blessing to every person she meets. The Lord gives us the tools and the skills...now having said that, what in the world do I do with this BOY I have????? love you~heather

jesnicole said...

I ABSOLUTELY LOVED READING ABOUT YOUR HONESTY. I APPRECIATE THAT. AND THESE OTHER LADIES ARE RIGHT, IT'S OBVIOUS YOU'RE A WONDERFUL MOTHER!!
*P.S. WHEN I WAS PREGNANT WITH MY SON, I WAS KIND OF RELIEVED THAT IT WAS A BOY. I TOLD MY HUSBAND, "WELL, THE PRESSURE'S OFF OF ME!! YOU'LL HAVE THE BIGGER JOB, TEACHING HIM TO BE A MAN...".......HE IMMEDIATELY REPLIED, "DON'T THINK THAT FOR A SECOND....YOU'LL BE TEACHING HIM WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A WIFE AND MOMMA....". THAT WAS A HUGE REALITY CHECK FOR ME.

liz said...

Big hugs ladies. Thanks for the encouraging word, and for making me feel like I'm not alone in my feelings.

Ambrose Family said...

Hey Liz!

Thanks for stopping by my blog, it was great to hear from you!

I appreciate it so much when people are real. Authenticity is incredibly important, especially among Christians. Thank you for being brave.

Hopefully we can get to know each other better! Feel free to stop by my blog any time--and it's so cool that we'll be having babies within a few weeks of each other. Exciting!

I'll be praying for you through your pregnancy.

Warmly,
Kate

Shannon & Tim Bolden said...

What truth!!!

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